....to all of you, except for those it won't be merry for...

...to those I say...I don't know what to say...=/

"This is a very interesting situation" ~ Jimmy Stuart- It's a wonderful life

So I'm not quite sure how to feel. In a way I feel great. I am so thankful that I haven't lost her completely. In those couple minutes of talking I think I learned more about her and about relationships than I have in these past few months combined. If anything, I've fallen more deeply in love with this girl than ever before. (Is that possible?) It's absolutely wonderful to get to know someone and realize they were even more beautiful than you first realized.

Which is why I'm desperatly afraid. As it stands, there is nothing between us exept a very close friendship. I feel like now that I'v finally gotten traction, there's nowhere for me to go. I honestly have never fallen completely head-over-heels in love with someone, even her.

Untill now.

I have no way to appropriately express my feelings. They're like a huge tidal wave heaving at my core. Every surge threatens to tear these thin walls apart. I now realize what a jewell I've almost lost, and I'm horribly afriad I'll never get it back. This haunts me. Ceaselessly it doggs my waking moments. What if that part of her heart never can love me? One day of torment was nothing compared to the finality of that moment, should it ever come. So I cling to the hope that I will be worthy of her, and that her heart starts burning once more. I pray that I will be able to understand and to act maturely in this next stage of our relationship, whatever it will be. I'm not going through without God this time. I'll fail miserably. I had no idea I could hurt that bad. But I want what is best for her, and if she won't be happy with me, then I wish her every happiness and joy elsewhere, though my heart dies inside of me.

So am I happy? Doing well?

Well yes....and no.

Fear coils in my stomach like a snake. I feel like I've been here before.

I'm not a big fan.